i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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