Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
