good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
