you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
either way he was missing a nipple.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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