All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
