Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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