sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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