a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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