Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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