I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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