I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
