The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
