my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
