Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How does one acquire holy water?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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