I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize