I must be too annoying 4 u.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
