Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
