My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
