Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
