'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
