so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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