I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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