Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
