dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
