Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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