New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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