I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
