I showed him my bush... on skype.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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