a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
