In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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