Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
