Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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