I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
