I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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