Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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