What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
