people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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