Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
