I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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