you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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