At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
