he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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