he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sext me about skeletons
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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