ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
