Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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