I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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