i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
