i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
