I just pynch a tree in the face
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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