I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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