sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize