I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
