His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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