At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
