I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
