he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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