So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
third nipple confirmed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
