It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
