I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
