I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
