The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
