I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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